Eternal Metamorphosis -
On The Theory Of Change And It's Impact On Writing

People these days seem to think that Hollywood in the 1990's has turned bad... that drugs, sex, and backstabbing are a NEW thing in Movietown. I rummaged around and dug up some quotes, one-liners, and trivia from stars of the Golden Age of Hollywood all the way up to the present day that proves that it has always been a dog-eat-dog, yet humorous town. Enjoy!

"It's the only movie I ever saw in which the male lead's tits were bigger than the female's."...Groucho Marx, on Cecil B. DeMille's epic Samson and Delililah, starring Victor Mature and Hedy Lamarr.

"Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."....Anonymous studio verdict on Fred Astaire's original screen test in 1933.

"It's our fault. We should have given him better parts."....Studio head Jack Warner, on hearing that Ronald Reagan had been elected Governor of California.

"Boy, I saw Rambo last night. I know what to do next time this happens."....President Ronald Reagan, in June 1985, after the release of 39 hostages by Lebanese terrorists.

"Nobody's interested in sweetness and light."....Hedda Hopper, defending the gossip columnist's trade.

"Actors like him are good, but on the whole I do not enjoy actors who seek to commune with their armpits, so to speak."....Greer Garson, on Marlon Brando.

"Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home."....David Frost, in 1971, when he was still more entertainer than interviewer.

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic. And the others give me either a stiff neck or lockjaw."....Tallulah Bankhead.

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day."....Mickey Rooney, who has been married 8 times.

"Looks fade, but humor is forever--I'll take Woody Allen over Warren Beatty any day."....Bette Midler.

"The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you."....Bette Midler.

"I had no disagreement with Barbra Streisand. I was merely exasperated at her tendency to be a complete megalomaniac."....Walter Matthau, on the experience of filming 'Hello, Dolly".

"When you're down and out, something always turns up--and it's usually the noses of your friends."....Orson Welles.

"Goddamn little brat. You've ruined every one of my birthdays. They bring you out from behind the wallpaper to sing that song, and it's a pain in the ass."....Clark Gable, complaining to Judy Garland about the song 'Dear Mr. Gable', otherwise known as 'You Made Me Love you', which Judy sang in Broadway Melody of 1938.

"The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films."....Paul Newman.

"The Elevator"

A Kentucky family took a vacation in New York City. one day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw--especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel-chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again, and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

"Gas"

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than 20 times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills 3 times a day for 7 days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

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