Taken from "Spyder's Poetry Empire - The Funnies"

"Elemental Woman"

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

ELEMENT NAME: Woman
SYMBOL: WO2
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MAKE-UP: Accepted at 120 lbs, but known to vary from 100 lbs to
500 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1.Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3.Melts if given special treatment.
4.Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6.Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1.Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2.Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4.Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases when saturated with alcohol.
5.Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1.Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TASTES:

1.Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in nature state.
2.Turns green when placed beside better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1.Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.Illegal (and dangerous) to possess more than one.

" HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET"
MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: MAN

ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs

SYMBOL: EGO

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.

OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas.
Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars".
Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required.
(See Women and Slave Labor)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1) Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense.
3) Melts if treated like a God.
4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9) Is impervious to embarrassment.
10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.